The past month has been rife with ups and downs. Smooshed between happy things such as a dear friend's wedding and spending Memorial Day with family firmly sit another two failed adoption opportunities. Only this time it was so much harder. I am still grieving nearly a month later.
During the month of May, we saw over 10 states and traveled over 3200 miles in pursuit of adopting.
Traveling down to Tampa, Florida we met baby boy B and his family. He was spending his first month of life in NICU due to undisclosed drug addiction. Despite it all, we fell instantly in love with this little man. We were determined that we could make a wonderful life for him. So innocent and helpless our hearts raced at the thought that he could be ours. In the end, his parents asked us for a payment of $50-75K for the opportunity. As you well know, baby-selling is not legal in this, or other, countries. We simply could not compromise our ethics and morals. With our hearts breaking, we said goodbye and walked away - on Mother's Day.
Fast forward less than two weeks...
We received a late night call from a mom in Michigan that we had talked to earlier in April. We were not chosen at that time, as she decided to move forward with another family. She was induced at the hospital and believed that the family would be there to take their daughter home. Well, her chosen family decided to move forward with another situation due to some communication issues.
After talking, she told us that she "wanted us to come and get our baby." We were finally chosen. We packed up our lives in preparation for staying in MI for 2-3 weeks and drove the 15 hours. We scrambled to locate adoption professionals that could help us as we waited for contact with the mom. We had no additional phone contact, and only late night emails. We knew that she was busy caring for a newborn so we didn't sweat it too much. We just tried to keep making lists and plans.
We received an email asking for our lawyer's contact information so we "could get the ball rolling." We thought that this was finally what we'd been waiting for.
The next morning, our lawyer called. She had contacted him, only to say that she'd had a change of heart. No additional information. Nothing. We were left reeling, blank and utterly empty.
We had already received photos of this beautiful little girl. We'd told our friends and family. Mom and April were prepared to set up a nursery with a moment's notice. April had even gone shopping for her "niece". The hardest thing was disappointing everyone else.
To make matters worse, I found out accidentally a few days later that she didn't have a change of heart about her adoption plan. She had a change of heart about us. She placed her daughter with another family. I cannot tell you how hurt I am. Although I know it's not a competition I do not see how we could ever stack up to world travelers and a husband that looks like a male model. It's an even worse punch to the gut.
So here we are again...no closer than we were, and worse for wear.
I don't know what's worse. Losing a child growing in your womb or the loss of one growing in your heart. With a broken heart and a bruised ego, I pick myself up, and get back on the horse. Still hoping and praying that 2010 will be our year that our 7+ year journey to build our family finally happens.
Yes, there are lessons to be learned in all of life's trials.
So, I guess I can always find some comfort in that.
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