So one of my internet friends is busy in AZ awaiting the birth of her son today. While I am overjoyed at the possibility that their adoption journey may finally have a happy ending, I can't help but feel sad that our own adoption pursuits thus far have proved unfruitful.
It's like this every time. Watching from the sidelines, some strange spectator to the world around me - ever watching everyone else craft their "happily ever afters".
*sigh*
I am trying to remain positive and hopeful. Praying that one day someone will look at us from the sidelines, with a weird cacophony of happiness and envy, as we greet our son or daughter. I keep on saying to myself one day that will be us. One day, we too will be successful.
I just wish that it were today.
Still hopeful that 2010 is our year.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
A Miscarriage of the Heart
The past month has been rife with ups and downs. Smooshed between happy things such as a dear friend's wedding and spending Memorial Day with family firmly sit another two failed adoption opportunities. Only this time it was so much harder. I am still grieving nearly a month later.
During the month of May, we saw over 10 states and traveled over 3200 miles in pursuit of adopting.
Traveling down to Tampa, Florida we met baby boy B and his family. He was spending his first month of life in NICU due to undisclosed drug addiction. Despite it all, we fell instantly in love with this little man. We were determined that we could make a wonderful life for him. So innocent and helpless our hearts raced at the thought that he could be ours. In the end, his parents asked us for a payment of $50-75K for the opportunity. As you well know, baby-selling is not legal in this, or other, countries. We simply could not compromise our ethics and morals. With our hearts breaking, we said goodbye and walked away - on Mother's Day.
Fast forward less than two weeks...
We received a late night call from a mom in Michigan that we had talked to earlier in April. We were not chosen at that time, as she decided to move forward with another family. She was induced at the hospital and believed that the family would be there to take their daughter home. Well, her chosen family decided to move forward with another situation due to some communication issues.
After talking, she told us that she "wanted us to come and get our baby." We were finally chosen. We packed up our lives in preparation for staying in MI for 2-3 weeks and drove the 15 hours. We scrambled to locate adoption professionals that could help us as we waited for contact with the mom. We had no additional phone contact, and only late night emails. We knew that she was busy caring for a newborn so we didn't sweat it too much. We just tried to keep making lists and plans.
We received an email asking for our lawyer's contact information so we "could get the ball rolling." We thought that this was finally what we'd been waiting for.
The next morning, our lawyer called. She had contacted him, only to say that she'd had a change of heart. No additional information. Nothing. We were left reeling, blank and utterly empty.
We had already received photos of this beautiful little girl. We'd told our friends and family. Mom and April were prepared to set up a nursery with a moment's notice. April had even gone shopping for her "niece". The hardest thing was disappointing everyone else.
To make matters worse, I found out accidentally a few days later that she didn't have a change of heart about her adoption plan. She had a change of heart about us. She placed her daughter with another family. I cannot tell you how hurt I am. Although I know it's not a competition I do not see how we could ever stack up to world travelers and a husband that looks like a male model. It's an even worse punch to the gut.
So here we are again...no closer than we were, and worse for wear.
I don't know what's worse. Losing a child growing in your womb or the loss of one growing in your heart. With a broken heart and a bruised ego, I pick myself up, and get back on the horse. Still hoping and praying that 2010 will be our year that our 7+ year journey to build our family finally happens.
Yes, there are lessons to be learned in all of life's trials.
So, I guess I can always find some comfort in that.
During the month of May, we saw over 10 states and traveled over 3200 miles in pursuit of adopting.
Traveling down to Tampa, Florida we met baby boy B and his family. He was spending his first month of life in NICU due to undisclosed drug addiction. Despite it all, we fell instantly in love with this little man. We were determined that we could make a wonderful life for him. So innocent and helpless our hearts raced at the thought that he could be ours. In the end, his parents asked us for a payment of $50-75K for the opportunity. As you well know, baby-selling is not legal in this, or other, countries. We simply could not compromise our ethics and morals. With our hearts breaking, we said goodbye and walked away - on Mother's Day.
Fast forward less than two weeks...
We received a late night call from a mom in Michigan that we had talked to earlier in April. We were not chosen at that time, as she decided to move forward with another family. She was induced at the hospital and believed that the family would be there to take their daughter home. Well, her chosen family decided to move forward with another situation due to some communication issues.
After talking, she told us that she "wanted us to come and get our baby." We were finally chosen. We packed up our lives in preparation for staying in MI for 2-3 weeks and drove the 15 hours. We scrambled to locate adoption professionals that could help us as we waited for contact with the mom. We had no additional phone contact, and only late night emails. We knew that she was busy caring for a newborn so we didn't sweat it too much. We just tried to keep making lists and plans.
We received an email asking for our lawyer's contact information so we "could get the ball rolling." We thought that this was finally what we'd been waiting for.
The next morning, our lawyer called. She had contacted him, only to say that she'd had a change of heart. No additional information. Nothing. We were left reeling, blank and utterly empty.
We had already received photos of this beautiful little girl. We'd told our friends and family. Mom and April were prepared to set up a nursery with a moment's notice. April had even gone shopping for her "niece". The hardest thing was disappointing everyone else.
To make matters worse, I found out accidentally a few days later that she didn't have a change of heart about her adoption plan. She had a change of heart about us. She placed her daughter with another family. I cannot tell you how hurt I am. Although I know it's not a competition I do not see how we could ever stack up to world travelers and a husband that looks like a male model. It's an even worse punch to the gut.
So here we are again...no closer than we were, and worse for wear.
I don't know what's worse. Losing a child growing in your womb or the loss of one growing in your heart. With a broken heart and a bruised ego, I pick myself up, and get back on the horse. Still hoping and praying that 2010 will be our year that our 7+ year journey to build our family finally happens.
Yes, there are lessons to be learned in all of life's trials.
So, I guess I can always find some comfort in that.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Hoping for Rainbows after the Rain
I've had a couple of rough months lately. The never ending roller coaster of emotions that the adoption journey has brought just seems to get harder and harder as time marches on. I never would have imagined that it would be this hard.
I want to be a mom. Yeah, I wonder if I'll even be good at it, but that doesn't stop me from desperately desiring to try. I've never been a patient person. But, I think I am getting an extra helping in lessons of patience right now. And it sucks...fiercely sucks.
It seems that there are a lot of things all piling onto the heap. I feel like time is running out sometimes and I am left behind. I will be 35 in less than a week. I always thought that I'd have my family by now. If I were able to fill my life with fun, adventure and travel, maybe it would feel less empty. But I can't do that.
Right now, I feel caged. There's always too much to do, and no time or money to do it with. So, I'm stuck.
The other week we were driving to dinner right before the sun was setting. There was a lovely vertical rainbow in the sky ahead of us. Earlier that day, I had just heard about an opportunity for us to be presented as a potential family for an expectant mom here in South Carolina. We would have been 1 or 2 families presented.
It sounded so good. So promising. I was even hopeful. It was a *real* shot. The first real shot in a long while. Not another one of these emotional terrorist adoption scammers that seem to like us so well.
I wanted to say that we'd do anything to make it happen, but it wasn't possible.
The costs: $27,200. Reasonable when you look at so many other adoption situations, but still entirely too high for us to commit.
We had to say no...all the while, my heart was screaming yes.
A small ember of hope burning out before it had the chance to flame.
I wonder if there is actually an affordable situation out there for us. I know that we could go through the DSS foster system, but I am just so scared of what might happen. So much red tape. So many hoops to jump through. Just imagining it makes my head spin.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I just hope that next year, as I blog about my upcoming 36th birthday, I pray that I won't be having these same feelings. I will be positive. I will be hopeful. I will strive to find my rainbow after the rain. I will hold my child...and I pray, it's one day soon because if it "rains" anymore I fear that I might just drown.
I want to be a mom. Yeah, I wonder if I'll even be good at it, but that doesn't stop me from desperately desiring to try. I've never been a patient person. But, I think I am getting an extra helping in lessons of patience right now. And it sucks...fiercely sucks.
It seems that there are a lot of things all piling onto the heap. I feel like time is running out sometimes and I am left behind. I will be 35 in less than a week. I always thought that I'd have my family by now. If I were able to fill my life with fun, adventure and travel, maybe it would feel less empty. But I can't do that.
Right now, I feel caged. There's always too much to do, and no time or money to do it with. So, I'm stuck.
The other week we were driving to dinner right before the sun was setting. There was a lovely vertical rainbow in the sky ahead of us. Earlier that day, I had just heard about an opportunity for us to be presented as a potential family for an expectant mom here in South Carolina. We would have been 1 or 2 families presented.
It sounded so good. So promising. I was even hopeful. It was a *real* shot. The first real shot in a long while. Not another one of these emotional terrorist adoption scammers that seem to like us so well.
I wanted to say that we'd do anything to make it happen, but it wasn't possible.
The costs: $27,200. Reasonable when you look at so many other adoption situations, but still entirely too high for us to commit.
We had to say no...all the while, my heart was screaming yes.
A small ember of hope burning out before it had the chance to flame.
I wonder if there is actually an affordable situation out there for us. I know that we could go through the DSS foster system, but I am just so scared of what might happen. So much red tape. So many hoops to jump through. Just imagining it makes my head spin.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I just hope that next year, as I blog about my upcoming 36th birthday, I pray that I won't be having these same feelings. I will be positive. I will be hopeful. I will strive to find my rainbow after the rain. I will hold my child...and I pray, it's one day soon because if it "rains" anymore I fear that I might just drown.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Too Fat to Adopt?
Directly from Big Fat Blog:
A couple from Australia have been deemed too fat to adopt a child.
You have got to check this crazy shit out! I am outraged over it. Seeing as how my husband and I might be in exactly the same boat, I am just floored.
Now, I weigh more than this lady. I also suffer from PCOS. If I even so much as smell a calorie, my body is grabbing a hold of it and turning it into a fat cell before I can blink. Losing weight won't fix everything.
Who has the right to say you are too fat, therefore you are unfit to parent a child?
I just really do not know what to say other than, "Fuck you, you ignorant, backwards, judgmental, prejudice, discriminating assholes!"
A couple from Australia have been deemed too fat to adopt a child.
You have got to check this crazy shit out! I am outraged over it. Seeing as how my husband and I might be in exactly the same boat, I am just floored.
Now, I weigh more than this lady. I also suffer from PCOS. If I even so much as smell a calorie, my body is grabbing a hold of it and turning it into a fat cell before I can blink. Losing weight won't fix everything.
Who has the right to say you are too fat, therefore you are unfit to parent a child?
I just really do not know what to say other than, "Fuck you, you ignorant, backwards, judgmental, prejudice, discriminating assholes!"
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