Living a life of quiet desperation, yearning to break free.
Wavings are crashing overhead. Life is never what it seems to be.
I am drowning in a sea of discontent. Wanting more, getting less -
never enough - everything is second-rate,
less than best.
I am trapped between tomorrow and yesterday
Too many called in debts, but too poor to pay
Heaven beckons, hell awaits
The world watches while it falls apart
Like atoms seperating
Leaving destruction in the wake
I am Destruction's Bride
Heaven I want - but hell I'll take
Gnashing my teeth, I claw my way -
Not quite free, but treading water in this sea
Swimming, Drowning, Living
Malcontentedly.
- cmt 5:14pm 11/08/2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Unraveling
Do you ever feel like your life is being unraveled, one thread at a time?
I'm feeling that way today. It seems that when things start looking up for us something always comes crashing in to destroy the positive vibe. Things aren't going so well right now. It seems that I'm on the edge and about to be pushed.
We have several situations that are rearing their ugly heads:
1) Our other house - we own a second home. This was not a house bought for a nice vacation spot. It wasn't even a house we wanted or needed. No, we bought a house at auction so my mother-in-law wouldn't be homeless. She promised to pay us rent - and did for a couple of months. But, she's paid us nothing since July. Now, she says she's found someplace else to live. That's all well and good - but when the fuck are is she going to get out of this house? And then...we have all these decisions about what to do with it when she does. It will cost money to fix it up enough to sell for a decent profit. She let the house go to pot and there's is so much damage and crap that it's going to take several thousand dollars to get it in sellable (liveable) condition. Add to the fact that we live 350 miles from where this other home is located, and you can see my frustration.
That leads me into #2...
2) Job Situation - today, we were informed that our CEO was fired. Not only was he fired, but our board is shopping the company around to sell it out. Basically a cheap sale so they can get out from under the debt. There will probably be staffing cuts (we have less than 15 employees currently). This is rather distressing considering that my husband and I both work for the same company. We've been here for 8/9 years. We've weathered some major shit with them before, but this time....I just don't know. We're on the cusp here. It's make it or break it time. We have to cut back. Not spend any money. Save every dime. There's the real dilemma. If we lose our jobs, where does the money come from to pay for the house renovations and our everyday living expenses. And don't even get me started on health insurance! We got to have health insurance.
Gah! I give up. I really do feel like people are pulling out the threads that make up the cloth of my life. And there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm just waiting on the tear that rips it all to shreds.
I hate feeling helpless.
I'm feeling that way today. It seems that when things start looking up for us something always comes crashing in to destroy the positive vibe. Things aren't going so well right now. It seems that I'm on the edge and about to be pushed.
We have several situations that are rearing their ugly heads:
1) Our other house - we own a second home. This was not a house bought for a nice vacation spot. It wasn't even a house we wanted or needed. No, we bought a house at auction so my mother-in-law wouldn't be homeless. She promised to pay us rent - and did for a couple of months. But, she's paid us nothing since July. Now, she says she's found someplace else to live. That's all well and good - but when the fuck are is she going to get out of this house? And then...we have all these decisions about what to do with it when she does. It will cost money to fix it up enough to sell for a decent profit. She let the house go to pot and there's is so much damage and crap that it's going to take several thousand dollars to get it in sellable (liveable) condition. Add to the fact that we live 350 miles from where this other home is located, and you can see my frustration.
That leads me into #2...
2) Job Situation - today, we were informed that our CEO was fired. Not only was he fired, but our board is shopping the company around to sell it out. Basically a cheap sale so they can get out from under the debt. There will probably be staffing cuts (we have less than 15 employees currently). This is rather distressing considering that my husband and I both work for the same company. We've been here for 8/9 years. We've weathered some major shit with them before, but this time....I just don't know. We're on the cusp here. It's make it or break it time. We have to cut back. Not spend any money. Save every dime. There's the real dilemma. If we lose our jobs, where does the money come from to pay for the house renovations and our everyday living expenses. And don't even get me started on health insurance! We got to have health insurance.
Gah! I give up. I really do feel like people are pulling out the threads that make up the cloth of my life. And there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm just waiting on the tear that rips it all to shreds.
I hate feeling helpless.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Stalking Life....
I want to be one of those people that can charge forward through life - making definitive decisions, rushing headlong into the future - instead of waiting, watching, peering slowly over the hedges. I want to kick ass and not even bother to take names. I'm no one's fucking secretary! :>)
I feel like I am on the precipice of something - I just don't know if it's something good or something bad, but something is out there waiting to ponce onto/into my life. Heck, I'm probably on a cliff about to get pushed off knowing my luck.
In any case, maybe I'll have a moment to decide to jump into something new before I'm pushed.
I feel like I am on the precipice of something - I just don't know if it's something good or something bad, but something is out there waiting to ponce onto/into my life. Heck, I'm probably on a cliff about to get pushed off knowing my luck.
In any case, maybe I'll have a moment to decide to jump into something new before I'm pushed.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Ennui
I think the fog is lifting...just a little bit. I'm finally feeling a bit more myself. Hormones have been wacky to the point of psychosis lately. I'm still not certain what was going on. In any case, I am glad that things seem to be settling.
But, for how long? There's always something new waiting in the wings.
But, for how long? There's always something new waiting in the wings.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Waiting
Life has become a long endless series of waiting. Waiting for this, waiting for that - everything getting pushed off to some point in the future. I am beginning to feel like all the things I've been waiting for (a vacation, a family, all the loose ends to get tied up) will never happen. I am feeling incredibly moody and depressed - frustrated and anxious. And, I just really don't know what to do to shake it.
My husband looks at this as making progress - as he spends countless hours trying to make money to reduce our debt and pay our way in the world. Problem lies in the fact that much of his time goes uncompensated. There's always more waiting. Waiting on the people to pay, waiting for him to finish the task so they can pay. It never really seems to end. And I just don't see the progress. Heck, he turned in a couple thousand dollars work of work back in February and he still hasn't gotten paid for all of it yet.
Of course, I'm just a fucking nag if I say anything about it. Running over the same old ground over and over. Still more waiting for things to come together so we actually can make a little progress.
As I said - angry and frustrated. Maybe I just just "wait" a while longer and post a more constructive post some other time. Blech!
My husband looks at this as making progress - as he spends countless hours trying to make money to reduce our debt and pay our way in the world. Problem lies in the fact that much of his time goes uncompensated. There's always more waiting. Waiting on the people to pay, waiting for him to finish the task so they can pay. It never really seems to end. And I just don't see the progress. Heck, he turned in a couple thousand dollars work of work back in February and he still hasn't gotten paid for all of it yet.
Of course, I'm just a fucking nag if I say anything about it. Running over the same old ground over and over. Still more waiting for things to come together so we actually can make a little progress.
As I said - angry and frustrated. Maybe I just just "wait" a while longer and post a more constructive post some other time. Blech!
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