If My Life Were A Horse...I'd Shoot It.

Alas, life intrudes while we pursue other pleasures.

Things have been interesting lately - as they often are. In fact, if my life were a horse, I'd have to shoot it. One minute we're rolling along fine, then BLAM! We hit a brick wall. A brick wall, rife with monetary consequences and trauma culminating in a long recovery period.

Things haven't been all bad, I suppose.
I did get to see my best friend of 22 years walk down the aisle and marry her soul mate. She did make such a beautiful bride. I teased her all weekend about being a Bridezilla. She was a bit of a regimented time-nazi, but otherwise things went rather smoothly. Considering the fact that she works long hours and spends her time between Anderson and Atlanta each week, I think that she pulled off a beautiful wedding without too many tears and freak-outs.

The ceremony was sweet and poignant. Sean and I participated in the wedding party. Seeing as how we had a hand in bringing these two together, I felt that it was a very special honor to be asked to stand up there with them. I could tell that the world disappeared for them as they said their vows to one another. It was especially moving for me. Two people couldn't have deserved one another more. I wish them many years of happiness and bliss.

Unfortunately...(you know there is always an unfortunately when talking about my life) Sean and I are dealing with some issues with the house in Anderson (as if that's anything new).

While I was up for my friend's bridal shower two weeks ago, the pipe in the upstairs bathroom ruptured, spilling over 4,000 gallons of water throughout the house. All the floors had to be pulled up, the ceilings downstairs, and other sheet rock had to be removed. The water totally ruined the 2,000 sq ft of new hardwood flooring we had purchased. Oh, and it shorted out fans and electrical sockets too. It has been a total mess. Now, there are things that we have to fix that we had no intention of doing.

Insurance did come through - although barely because the house was technically vacant. The damage was estimated at nearly $15,000 - they gave us $10,000 for the repairs. I think that we've already spent about $800. Can you see where this is going? Even doing most of it on our own (well, Sean all by his lonesome since I am nearly worthless at this kind of thing), we will still be in the hole after it's all said and done.

Lucky us, huh?

We are also dealing with more family issues.
Mother-in-law waited until we were packed up and getting ready to leave before showing up at the house. Now...it's not like there's anything in there that's hers. After all the mess previously, I personally see no reason for her to step foot back into the house, but anyway. After being snubbed when I tried to give her a hug, I left and went back over to my parent's house. It was too hot to deal with that. Pissed her off, but oh well...I'm not standing outside sweating for no reason.

For some reason, she proceeds to conduct a walk-through over the whole house. Mind you, we purchased this house in 2005 at foreclosure auction so she wouldn't be homeless -and- she stopped paying us rent and abandoned the property, with all her stuff in it, last fall. We've been left holding the bag here. At this point it is truly a trash bucket house. Considering that all of our savings has been stolen, whatever equity and profit we can get out of this house is all we have in the world. We are looking to protect it with everything we've got.

It was like she was casing the joint to see what we had gotten accomplished/what we had in there. Sean said she even unlocked the front door and conveniently "forgot" to lock it back. Now, why would someone do that?

Because we were significantly delayed from leaving when we anticipated, we got up at 4:30 am the next morning in order to drive back home in order to hit work at 9.

We got a call later that afternoon because strangers were trying to break down the back door in order to remove a fridge from inside the house. That caused all kinds of anger and alarm. Needless to say, we were very pissed. Eventually, we got it settled.

So that's the quick breakdown on our crazy/sexy life. Ain't it grand? ;-)

"All I Can Say Is That My Life Is Pretty Plain..."

Well, this week is off to a good start.
I am racing towards a deadline to produce many, many pages of documentation (up to 30 so far) for a large proposal. It's due Wednesday night at the latest. I guess we're about halfway there - but what remains is all of the "pull it out your butt" type of fluff. I seriously don't have the energy for this right now.

To make matters worse, I have been feeling not so great this week. I haven't been sleeping well and I have had no time with my husband in weeks. And I do mean no time. We've both been incredibly busy - and he's also been gone quite a bit. I was only away from the desk for a total of 2 hours all day yesterday. Now, my back is hurting.

Last night, I had to take a pill at 11pm and be at the doctor's at 8am for lab work. Once there I found out that Quest Diagnostics, the lab inside my doc's office, is not a "preferred provider" for my crappy insurance plan. I have used the plan approximately 3 times and each time some I have gotten some level of denial once they see the lovely gray insurance card in my hand. The test would have been about $400 out of pocket. Uh...no. Where's the nearest preferred provider? Ok. Thanx.

We had to go down the street to a more appropriate lab.
At least it wasn't halfway across the city.

Tomorrow, I have an appointment with a dermatologist for a second opinion. I have a rash on my arms, shoulders, and legs that is probably psoriasis. It's aggravating and looks horrible. My prior dermatologist ignored it. Now, it's significantly worse.

My mom has been a nervous nelly about these tests and appointments. I believe that she has called me everyday since I found out that I had to have it done. Maybe things will come out okay and she can not worry so much.

I will have to go back to the doctor on Tuesday for results. It's been a full week already and it's only Tuesday. I wonder what other fun and interesting adventures await. Oh boy! I am having so much fun I can hardly stand it. ;-)

Hi! I'm a Mac. And I'm a Mack Truck.

Since the Montagues and Capulets, now deliver a more star-crossed pair
A shiny (new) MacBook kissed by the caress of 18-wheels
Pieces and parts, flying into the air
At 55 miles per hour, the damage was clear
What once was a MacBook, now leveled and sheared.

Alas, poor MacBook...I (hardly) knew him well.

Rest in Pieces, our poor Shiny MacBook
(November 2006 - July 6, 2007)

*(and no, Paul...this is not a joke. The MacBook is toast, just a smear of road jam.) :-(
** photo for representation purposes only.

Sometimes Life Give You Lemons....

Life has been a whirlwind lately. I guess I should update everyone as to what's going on in my little cosmos.

1) House situation resolved...not
We did manage to get the premises vacated in late November. Of course, that meant packing up and removing all belongings to a temporary storage unit that we paid for for 2.5 months. That has caused more headaches than it's been worth. Been constantly accused of stealing items from the home. Noone took anything from that house. If anything was missing it was missing before we set foot in it. Besides, the house had been left totally open for more than a week. Anybody could have walked in off the street to take whatever they wanted. The neighbors even tried to take the pots that were outside the front door and broke one of them in the process. Those pots had been there for nearly 8 years - unmolested in wind, rain, hail, snow, heat - and their dumbasses come along and ruin them.

We telecommuted for two months between December and February, but work took up so much of our time, and provided constant harrassment, that we were unable to get anything done on the house. We did manage to get a few things off the very looonnnggg list.

First thing, all the locks had to be changed. We had to replace all the mising light bulbs and the shower head that had been taken. All carpeting was ripped up due to damage and smell from the dog. We also started tearing out some sheetrock in the back bedroom in order to fix some serious wall issues. All the windows were also replaced.

We played at painting the kitchen & dining areas. Personally, I hate the color. It's too pale, flat, and looks a little dirty for those fubared walls. We also had a kitchen consultation with Home Depot. The cabinets and appliances that I would like have a price tag of about $8,000. They weren't even remotely top-of-the-line either. Oh well. Finding that out pretty much sucked.

The heating/air unit is also pretty much dead. It is stuck in "heat" mode, which was fine for the winter, but has now become a problem. The system is almost 20 years old. So replacing parts doesn't make as much sense as just redoing the whole system. Of course, that costs a pretty penny. And speaking of pretty pennies.....

2) Financially, we have just been fucked....
Oh yeah...totally and royally fucked. We put a large portion of our available cash assets into purchasing the house. We didn't have a whole lot of time nor choice in the matter. More than half of our cash went in, as did several loans from our home equity and a new loan on the car to pay the purchase price. That left about half of our cash.

We had our remaining funds invested with an economist in Charleston named Al Parish. He has involved with our business since the beginning. We have known him and been acquainted with others that have invested with him for the past 10 years. We decided two years ago to invest some cash with his investment pools. We put a big chunk of money in and also had $150 a week deducted from our paychecks as well over the course of the last two years.

Well, he has been arrested for fraud and it now looks like we are SOL on getting any of our cash back. That money was going to fund an adoption so that we could finally start our family. We have already had to put those plans on hold due to problems with our job and finances before. We were finally in a place to start the ball rolling. Now...we may never recover and we may never be able to have a family.

I am devastated. I am angry. This all makes me sick beyond belief. I have thought some really nasty evil thoughts lately. Because there just isn't any money there, it looks like we won't get anything back either. Five years of savings gone in an instant. To go from one day having a cushion so that if we did lose our jobs, we'd be okay to the next having nothing really is distressing. I don't know what we're going to do.

Read all about the case here: Al Parish News Archive

3) Job is still iffy
Although we have weathered the firing of the CEO, there were some personnel cuts. I cannot say that I didn't agree with most of them, however. Now, there are 6 total employees. I think we're more streamlined and more effective for the most part. The biggest issues is cash flow. We were linked to the Al Parish fiasco when a young inexperienced reporter took some half-assed information and drew some pretty damaging conclusions (ie. that we were out of business and that all employees were terminated as of March 31st!!!). As you can imagine, that has had a detrimental effect on our business.

Plus, the top brass of the company also were investors. So, they have been hit hard by having their money wisked away as well. Which means, we're on our own. They no longer have deep pockets in order to bail us out of any sticky financial situations. Things are very tenuous.

So, without money we're more of less stuck. We have a house that is not in saleable condition, and no money to get it to that point. We have jobs for now, but we're haivng to scramble to build some bank just in case things go south really soon.

Well...life certainly has been giving us lemons lately. Bushels and bushels of them. But we can't exaclty make lemonade because we can't afford the sugar. ;-)

So, for now - we've been forced to drink down this cold sour brew and pretend to enjoy it. Although, all I want to do is give the world (and all these damn "lemons") the big fat finger.

Desperation

Living a life of quiet desperation, yearning to break free.
Wavings are crashing overhead. Life is never what it seems to be.
I am drowning in a sea of discontent. Wanting more, getting less -
never enough - everything is second-rate,
less than best.

I am trapped between tomorrow and yesterday
Too many called in debts, but too poor to pay
Heaven beckons, hell awaits
The world watches while it falls apart

Like atoms seperating
Leaving destruction in the wake
I am Destruction's Bride
Heaven I want - but hell I'll take

Gnashing my teeth, I claw my way -
Not quite free, but treading water in this sea
Swimming, Drowning, Living
Malcontentedly.

- cmt 5:14pm 11/08/2006

Unraveling

Do you ever feel like your life is being unraveled, one thread at a time?

I'm feeling that way today. It seems that when things start looking up for us something always comes crashing in to destroy the positive vibe. Things aren't going so well right now. It seems that I'm on the edge and about to be pushed.

We have several situations that are rearing their ugly heads:

1) Our other house - we own a second home. This was not a house bought for a nice vacation spot. It wasn't even a house we wanted or needed. No, we bought a house at auction so my mother-in-law wouldn't be homeless. She promised to pay us rent - and did for a couple of months. But, she's paid us nothing since July. Now, she says she's found someplace else to live. That's all well and good - but when the fuck are is she going to get out of this house? And then...we have all these decisions about what to do with it when she does. It will cost money to fix it up enough to sell for a decent profit. She let the house go to pot and there's is so much damage and crap that it's going to take several thousand dollars to get it in sellable (liveable) condition. Add to the fact that we live 350 miles from where this other home is located, and you can see my frustration.

That leads me into #2...

2) Job Situation - today, we were informed that our CEO was fired. Not only was he fired, but our board is shopping the company around to sell it out. Basically a cheap sale so they can get out from under the debt. There will probably be staffing cuts (we have less than 15 employees currently). This is rather distressing considering that my husband and I both work for the same company. We've been here for 8/9 years. We've weathered some major shit with them before, but this time....I just don't know. We're on the cusp here. It's make it or break it time. We have to cut back. Not spend any money. Save every dime. There's the real dilemma. If we lose our jobs, where does the money come from to pay for the house renovations and our everyday living expenses. And don't even get me started on health insurance! We got to have health insurance.

Gah! I give up. I really do feel like people are pulling out the threads that make up the cloth of my life. And there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm just waiting on the tear that rips it all to shreds.

I hate feeling helpless.

Stalking Life....

I want to be one of those people that can charge forward through life - making definitive decisions, rushing headlong into the future - instead of waiting, watching, peering slowly over the hedges. I want to kick ass and not even bother to take names. I'm no one's fucking secretary! :>)

I feel like I am on the precipice of something - I just don't know if it's something good or something bad, but something is out there waiting to ponce onto/into my life. Heck, I'm probably on a cliff about to get pushed off knowing my luck.

In any case, maybe I'll have a moment to decide to jump into something new before I'm pushed.

Ennui

I think the fog is lifting...just a little bit. I'm finally feeling a bit more myself. Hormones have been wacky to the point of psychosis lately. I'm still not certain what was going on. In any case, I am glad that things seem to be settling.

But, for how long? There's always something new waiting in the wings.

Waiting

Life has become a long endless series of waiting. Waiting for this, waiting for that - everything getting pushed off to some point in the future. I am beginning to feel like all the things I've been waiting for (a vacation, a family, all the loose ends to get tied up) will never happen. I am feeling incredibly moody and depressed - frustrated and anxious. And, I just really don't know what to do to shake it.

My husband looks at this as making progress - as he spends countless hours trying to make money to reduce our debt and pay our way in the world. Problem lies in the fact that much of his time goes uncompensated. There's always more waiting. Waiting on the people to pay, waiting for him to finish the task so they can pay. It never really seems to end. And I just don't see the progress. Heck, he turned in a couple thousand dollars work of work back in February and he still hasn't gotten paid for all of it yet.

Of course, I'm just a fucking nag if I say anything about it. Running over the same old ground over and over. Still more waiting for things to come together so we actually can make a little progress.

As I said - angry and frustrated. Maybe I just just "wait" a while longer and post a more constructive post some other time. Blech!

It's Friday...But It Feels Like A Monday.

It's Friday again. Thank goodness. Sometimes the week can't fly by fast enough.
At this point in the week all I can think about is spending a little extra time wrapped up in my blankets on Saturday morning/afternoon. Especially, today. I have a monsterous headache and it's pouring rain outside. I can hear the gentle thunder and the pitter of raindrops on my windowsill. Being at work under these conditions must qualify for cruel and unusual punishment, right?

I am also a bit depressed. My big fat fluffy sugar glider Bael crossed over the Rainbow Bridge yesterday. I found him on the bottom of the cage yesterday morning right before I left for work. I honestly thought he was already gone - but he was still breathing. I stayed home so I could say goodbye and offer him some palative care. I held him for 4 hours, keeping him warm and comfortable. He died in my hands. I will miss him so.

He was the only sugar glider the was affectionate. In fact, I think he was the only one that honestly cared about me one way or another. Always quick with kisses, I loved reaching my hand in the sleeping pouch just to get one.

The three gliders that are left really don't care for me much. Two of them bite me. The other just runs away when I try to pet her. I am considering finding a more appropriate home for them now that Bael is gone.

I know that sounds awful. As if I adopted these "kids" and now I want to give them back when it's no longer fun. I've been a glider mommy for more than 6 years. It's been interesting. It's been fun. But, it's also been expensive and hard at times. I do love these little buggers. So, I am so conflicted.

*sigh*

Finding My Tribe

Where do I fit in this world? Anything I could say about myself just labels me. To the rest of the world it just puts me in a box complete with a nice pretty calligraphy label, all tied-up ready to go on the shelf. Who am I, really? Here are my labels. My tribes. The boxes in which the world thinks I belong.

30-something
Wife
Childless, possibly Infertile
Fat
Pro-choice
PCOS
Liberal
Wage-Slave
Feminist, maybe.
Religiously-ambivilent (Christian/Wiccan/Pagan)

Cherry Picking

Sometimes life is like a bowl of cherries....
The spittle covered pits and broken stems discarded in the bottom of the bowl after someone has had their fill.

That sounds so depressing. Doesn't it? I don't feel classically depressed at the moment. Yet, I know that that is exactly what is wrong with me. The insommnia. The headaches. The constant need to keep something in my mouth. That feeling that my day would be so much better if I spent it at home, under the covers with my little white dog beside me.

No thoughts of razor blades, but still...I'm just not feeling up to the day to day grind that is life. I doubt that even an insanely huge cup of Starbucks Toffee Nut Latte could kickstart this ass into Neutral.

Just rolling along. I'm beginning to think that's all life is. Bypassing all the things that I thought I wanted and needed. Putting those desires of my heart further and further into the future. Time does indeed keep on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future....

Some People Will Read Anything...

I am rather amused at the moment
I haven't stopped by the blog in quite a while. Yet, I just noticed that some of my posts have comments. Actual comments from what I can only assume are actual people. I find this interesting.

I assumed that noone would ever stop by to read these ramblings.
That's probably mainly due to my tragically low self-esteem and the fact that I believe that noone really cares. Yes, I know that it's public and in fact anyone can read it - but I never anticipated that anyone really would.

So...thanks to my readers. Whether one or many...maybe this will inspire me to at least write more than a couple times a year.

Forbidden Fruits

"Snow White ate the poisoned apple, Eve ate the 'forbidden fruit', pick your fairytale"~Bill Maher

History always makes women out to be either bad or stupid. It's bothersome really. I'm not saying that there aren't stupid sluts and tarty tramps out there. I just have trouble believing that all the bad shit in this world is the result of some wench munching on an "apple".

Cranial Compulsions

I read an article that states Prozac is being taken in such large quantities in Britain that it has entered water supplies.

I find this more than mildly amusing. I have to wonder if it isn't some conspiracy by the government. I can almost imagine a bunch of stody Englishmen sitting around having cigars and scotch thinking of a way to help the people of Mother England.

"I know...let's add Prozac to the drinking water. It'll go great with the flouride."

Healthy teeth and "shiny happy people holding hands"! What a thought.

Down in the Frumps

I'm feeling frumpy today. Tired and frumpy.
I guess I could throw in fat as well, but that's a little too obvious.

But as Marilyn Wann says, life is too short for self-hate and celery sticks.

I guess I feel better now.

Where Did the Time Go?

I just realized that it's been 2.5 weeks since I last posted anything even remotely newsworthy.

I'm feeling somewhat inadequate. I can't even keep up with my own journal.
Gee...how pathetic! :)

What have I been doing anyway?
I'm been workingbitchingeatingsleepingfuckingcomplainingstressingworkingbitchingeatingsleeping
fuckingcomplainingstressing, etc. and etc.

Yep, that about sums it up.
Hehe.

Hobby Holly

Maybe I just need to get a hobby.

I could start cross-stitching again,
but it pisses off the carpal tunnel.

I could start writing my poetry again as hubby suggested,
but I'm not feeling very inspired.

I could start breeding my little dog, Meko,
but she might get mad at me for whoring her out for $$.

I could learn how to sew and make curtains for the house,
but then I'd have decorate the rest of the house first.

I should start something fun, useful, and cool,
but then I'd have nothing to bitch about in my blog.

Hehehe. :)

Midweek Check-in

Well, it's Wednesday.
At least I think it's Wednesday. Already this week the days are having that squished-runtogether feel to me. There's just so much going on (as here always is) that I'm unsure as to what or when anything is. Maybe it's lack of sleep. Maybe it's poor eating habits. Maybe I just need more vitamins.

Who knows.
I'm just feeling tired, stressed, overworked, underpaid, neglected, ignored, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

And to think...it's only Wednesday (I think). :)

TGIF

It's finally Friday. The work week is wrapping up and I'm looking forward to the weekend. I don't have anything more exciting than sleeping in planned. But, it will be nice to get away from a computer for a few days.

We're trying to decide how to spend our evening.
We have a good friend in town for the weekend. He's asked if we can get together to do something together today. We haven't seen him for a while so it should be pleasant to catch up.

The boss threw a whammy at me yesterday. I had to lead an unexpected training session. He said that I was a "really descent human being" for doing him the favor. I just hope he remembers that today when I try to sneak out early. Hope those checks are ready and on time today! :)