Living a life of quiet desperation, yearning to break free.
Wavings are crashing overhead. Life is never what it seems to be.
I am drowning in a sea of discontent. Wanting more, getting less -
never enough - everything is second-rate,
less than best.
I am trapped between tomorrow and yesterday
Too many called in debts, but too poor to pay
Heaven beckons, hell awaits
The world watches while it falls apart
Like atoms seperating
Leaving destruction in the wake
I am Destruction's Bride
Heaven I want - but hell I'll take
Gnashing my teeth, I claw my way -
Not quite free, but treading water in this sea
Swimming, Drowning, Living
Malcontentedly.
- cmt 5:14pm 11/08/2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Unraveling
Do you ever feel like your life is being unraveled, one thread at a time?
I'm feeling that way today. It seems that when things start looking up for us something always comes crashing in to destroy the positive vibe. Things aren't going so well right now. It seems that I'm on the edge and about to be pushed.
We have several situations that are rearing their ugly heads:
1) Our other house - we own a second home. This was not a house bought for a nice vacation spot. It wasn't even a house we wanted or needed. No, we bought a house at auction so my mother-in-law wouldn't be homeless. She promised to pay us rent - and did for a couple of months. But, she's paid us nothing since July. Now, she says she's found someplace else to live. That's all well and good - but when the fuck are is she going to get out of this house? And then...we have all these decisions about what to do with it when she does. It will cost money to fix it up enough to sell for a decent profit. She let the house go to pot and there's is so much damage and crap that it's going to take several thousand dollars to get it in sellable (liveable) condition. Add to the fact that we live 350 miles from where this other home is located, and you can see my frustration.
That leads me into #2...
2) Job Situation - today, we were informed that our CEO was fired. Not only was he fired, but our board is shopping the company around to sell it out. Basically a cheap sale so they can get out from under the debt. There will probably be staffing cuts (we have less than 15 employees currently). This is rather distressing considering that my husband and I both work for the same company. We've been here for 8/9 years. We've weathered some major shit with them before, but this time....I just don't know. We're on the cusp here. It's make it or break it time. We have to cut back. Not spend any money. Save every dime. There's the real dilemma. If we lose our jobs, where does the money come from to pay for the house renovations and our everyday living expenses. And don't even get me started on health insurance! We got to have health insurance.
Gah! I give up. I really do feel like people are pulling out the threads that make up the cloth of my life. And there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm just waiting on the tear that rips it all to shreds.
I hate feeling helpless.
I'm feeling that way today. It seems that when things start looking up for us something always comes crashing in to destroy the positive vibe. Things aren't going so well right now. It seems that I'm on the edge and about to be pushed.
We have several situations that are rearing their ugly heads:
1) Our other house - we own a second home. This was not a house bought for a nice vacation spot. It wasn't even a house we wanted or needed. No, we bought a house at auction so my mother-in-law wouldn't be homeless. She promised to pay us rent - and did for a couple of months. But, she's paid us nothing since July. Now, she says she's found someplace else to live. That's all well and good - but when the fuck are is she going to get out of this house? And then...we have all these decisions about what to do with it when she does. It will cost money to fix it up enough to sell for a decent profit. She let the house go to pot and there's is so much damage and crap that it's going to take several thousand dollars to get it in sellable (liveable) condition. Add to the fact that we live 350 miles from where this other home is located, and you can see my frustration.
That leads me into #2...
2) Job Situation - today, we were informed that our CEO was fired. Not only was he fired, but our board is shopping the company around to sell it out. Basically a cheap sale so they can get out from under the debt. There will probably be staffing cuts (we have less than 15 employees currently). This is rather distressing considering that my husband and I both work for the same company. We've been here for 8/9 years. We've weathered some major shit with them before, but this time....I just don't know. We're on the cusp here. It's make it or break it time. We have to cut back. Not spend any money. Save every dime. There's the real dilemma. If we lose our jobs, where does the money come from to pay for the house renovations and our everyday living expenses. And don't even get me started on health insurance! We got to have health insurance.
Gah! I give up. I really do feel like people are pulling out the threads that make up the cloth of my life. And there's nothing I can do to stop them. I'm just waiting on the tear that rips it all to shreds.
I hate feeling helpless.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Stalking Life....
I want to be one of those people that can charge forward through life - making definitive decisions, rushing headlong into the future - instead of waiting, watching, peering slowly over the hedges. I want to kick ass and not even bother to take names. I'm no one's fucking secretary! :>)
I feel like I am on the precipice of something - I just don't know if it's something good or something bad, but something is out there waiting to ponce onto/into my life. Heck, I'm probably on a cliff about to get pushed off knowing my luck.
In any case, maybe I'll have a moment to decide to jump into something new before I'm pushed.
I feel like I am on the precipice of something - I just don't know if it's something good or something bad, but something is out there waiting to ponce onto/into my life. Heck, I'm probably on a cliff about to get pushed off knowing my luck.
In any case, maybe I'll have a moment to decide to jump into something new before I'm pushed.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Ennui
I think the fog is lifting...just a little bit. I'm finally feeling a bit more myself. Hormones have been wacky to the point of psychosis lately. I'm still not certain what was going on. In any case, I am glad that things seem to be settling.
But, for how long? There's always something new waiting in the wings.
But, for how long? There's always something new waiting in the wings.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Waiting
Life has become a long endless series of waiting. Waiting for this, waiting for that - everything getting pushed off to some point in the future. I am beginning to feel like all the things I've been waiting for (a vacation, a family, all the loose ends to get tied up) will never happen. I am feeling incredibly moody and depressed - frustrated and anxious. And, I just really don't know what to do to shake it.
My husband looks at this as making progress - as he spends countless hours trying to make money to reduce our debt and pay our way in the world. Problem lies in the fact that much of his time goes uncompensated. There's always more waiting. Waiting on the people to pay, waiting for him to finish the task so they can pay. It never really seems to end. And I just don't see the progress. Heck, he turned in a couple thousand dollars work of work back in February and he still hasn't gotten paid for all of it yet.
Of course, I'm just a fucking nag if I say anything about it. Running over the same old ground over and over. Still more waiting for things to come together so we actually can make a little progress.
As I said - angry and frustrated. Maybe I just just "wait" a while longer and post a more constructive post some other time. Blech!
My husband looks at this as making progress - as he spends countless hours trying to make money to reduce our debt and pay our way in the world. Problem lies in the fact that much of his time goes uncompensated. There's always more waiting. Waiting on the people to pay, waiting for him to finish the task so they can pay. It never really seems to end. And I just don't see the progress. Heck, he turned in a couple thousand dollars work of work back in February and he still hasn't gotten paid for all of it yet.
Of course, I'm just a fucking nag if I say anything about it. Running over the same old ground over and over. Still more waiting for things to come together so we actually can make a little progress.
As I said - angry and frustrated. Maybe I just just "wait" a while longer and post a more constructive post some other time. Blech!
Friday, August 04, 2006
It's Friday...But It Feels Like A Monday.
It's Friday again. Thank goodness. Sometimes the week can't fly by fast enough.
At this point in the week all I can think about is spending a little extra time wrapped up in my blankets on Saturday morning/afternoon. Especially, today. I have a monsterous headache and it's pouring rain outside. I can hear the gentle thunder and the pitter of raindrops on my windowsill. Being at work under these conditions must qualify for cruel and unusual punishment, right?
I am also a bit depressed. My big fat fluffy sugar glider Bael crossed over the Rainbow Bridge yesterday. I found him on the bottom of the cage yesterday morning right before I left for work. I honestly thought he was already gone - but he was still breathing. I stayed home so I could say goodbye and offer him some palative care. I held him for 4 hours, keeping him warm and comfortable. He died in my hands. I will miss him so.
He was the only sugar glider the was affectionate. In fact, I think he was the only one that honestly cared about me one way or another. Always quick with kisses, I loved reaching my hand in the sleeping pouch just to get one.
The three gliders that are left really don't care for me much. Two of them bite me. The other just runs away when I try to pet her. I am considering finding a more appropriate home for them now that Bael is gone.
I know that sounds awful. As if I adopted these "kids" and now I want to give them back when it's no longer fun. I've been a glider mommy for more than 6 years. It's been interesting. It's been fun. But, it's also been expensive and hard at times. I do love these little buggers. So, I am so conflicted.
*sigh*
At this point in the week all I can think about is spending a little extra time wrapped up in my blankets on Saturday morning/afternoon. Especially, today. I have a monsterous headache and it's pouring rain outside. I can hear the gentle thunder and the pitter of raindrops on my windowsill. Being at work under these conditions must qualify for cruel and unusual punishment, right?
I am also a bit depressed. My big fat fluffy sugar glider Bael crossed over the Rainbow Bridge yesterday. I found him on the bottom of the cage yesterday morning right before I left for work. I honestly thought he was already gone - but he was still breathing. I stayed home so I could say goodbye and offer him some palative care. I held him for 4 hours, keeping him warm and comfortable. He died in my hands. I will miss him so.
He was the only sugar glider the was affectionate. In fact, I think he was the only one that honestly cared about me one way or another. Always quick with kisses, I loved reaching my hand in the sleeping pouch just to get one.
The three gliders that are left really don't care for me much. Two of them bite me. The other just runs away when I try to pet her. I am considering finding a more appropriate home for them now that Bael is gone.
I know that sounds awful. As if I adopted these "kids" and now I want to give them back when it's no longer fun. I've been a glider mommy for more than 6 years. It's been interesting. It's been fun. But, it's also been expensive and hard at times. I do love these little buggers. So, I am so conflicted.
*sigh*
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Summer Solstice
Happy Summer Solstice! Merry Litha!
It's Midsummer already. The Wheel of the Year keeps turning. Now, we find ourselves at the midpoint. The Sun high upon the throne of the sky raining upon the earth with warmth and fire. The Earth sown with the seeds of promise that will bring forth the bounty of the autumn harvest. The Waters and Winds bringing both cool relief and more than a little trepidation as hurricane season gets underway.
It's a time to reflect on what this year has brought us, the bounty and abundance of spirit and hearth, as the waning season begins. The slow crush into Winter's bosom once again begins as the wheel continues to turn.
So, build a bonfire - dance and sing - and celebrate all the wonder that the summer holds.
Blessed Be!
It's Midsummer already. The Wheel of the Year keeps turning. Now, we find ourselves at the midpoint. The Sun high upon the throne of the sky raining upon the earth with warmth and fire. The Earth sown with the seeds of promise that will bring forth the bounty of the autumn harvest. The Waters and Winds bringing both cool relief and more than a little trepidation as hurricane season gets underway.
It's a time to reflect on what this year has brought us, the bounty and abundance of spirit and hearth, as the waning season begins. The slow crush into Winter's bosom once again begins as the wheel continues to turn.
So, build a bonfire - dance and sing - and celebrate all the wonder that the summer holds.
Blessed Be!
Friday, May 26, 2006
Deity Affinity
Recently, I have felt an awakening inside. Something tugging on my spirit. And it almost feels right.
I say that I am a spiritualist - yet, I don't relate to religion at all. I don't like the pomp, the circumstance, the show of organized religion. I am beginning to believe that maybe just finding a personal relationship with the divine universe would suit me fine. The Mother Earth. The Goddess inside. I can truly see a personal alter stashed in my corner, casting my circle, calling the elements, feeling a rise in energy from the very air that surrounds me. I'm sure my husband would look at me funny if I told him any of this.
I'm considering following a nature-based pagan dogma.
I'm feeling stirrings from Brigid - the Celtic Goddess of Fire, Blacksmiths, Wells, Springs and Poets.
I'm an Aries - pure fire sign if there ever was. Blacksmiths work with iron and steel - hardened metal and strength - forged in fire, tempered by water. Wells and springs nourish our bodies and quench our thrists. They also wash away the ills and negativity of the everyday fuck-yous that accumulate. Is there anything more cleansing than a nice long hot shower?
And of poets....that I am, that I always have been.
I say that I am a spiritualist - yet, I don't relate to religion at all. I don't like the pomp, the circumstance, the show of organized religion. I am beginning to believe that maybe just finding a personal relationship with the divine universe would suit me fine. The Mother Earth. The Goddess inside. I can truly see a personal alter stashed in my corner, casting my circle, calling the elements, feeling a rise in energy from the very air that surrounds me. I'm sure my husband would look at me funny if I told him any of this.
I'm considering following a nature-based pagan dogma.
I'm feeling stirrings from Brigid - the Celtic Goddess of Fire, Blacksmiths, Wells, Springs and Poets.
I'm an Aries - pure fire sign if there ever was. Blacksmiths work with iron and steel - hardened metal and strength - forged in fire, tempered by water. Wells and springs nourish our bodies and quench our thrists. They also wash away the ills and negativity of the everyday fuck-yous that accumulate. Is there anything more cleansing than a nice long hot shower?
And of poets....that I am, that I always have been.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Finding My Tribe
Where do I fit in this world? Anything I could say about myself just labels me. To the rest of the world it just puts me in a box complete with a nice pretty calligraphy label, all tied-up ready to go on the shelf. Who am I, really? Here are my labels. My tribes. The boxes in which the world thinks I belong.
30-something
Wife
Childless, possibly Infertile
Fat
Pro-choice
PCOS
Liberal
Wage-Slave
Feminist, maybe.
Religiously-ambivilent (Christian/Wiccan/Pagan)
30-something
Wife
Childless, possibly Infertile
Fat
Pro-choice
PCOS
Liberal
Wage-Slave
Feminist, maybe.
Religiously-ambivilent (Christian/Wiccan/Pagan)
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Cherry Picking
Sometimes life is like a bowl of cherries....
The spittle covered pits and broken stems discarded in the bottom of the bowl after someone has had their fill.
That sounds so depressing. Doesn't it? I don't feel classically depressed at the moment. Yet, I know that that is exactly what is wrong with me. The insommnia. The headaches. The constant need to keep something in my mouth. That feeling that my day would be so much better if I spent it at home, under the covers with my little white dog beside me.
No thoughts of razor blades, but still...I'm just not feeling up to the day to day grind that is life. I doubt that even an insanely huge cup of Starbucks Toffee Nut Latte could kickstart this ass into Neutral.
Just rolling along. I'm beginning to think that's all life is. Bypassing all the things that I thought I wanted and needed. Putting those desires of my heart further and further into the future. Time does indeed keep on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future....
The spittle covered pits and broken stems discarded in the bottom of the bowl after someone has had their fill.
That sounds so depressing. Doesn't it? I don't feel classically depressed at the moment. Yet, I know that that is exactly what is wrong with me. The insommnia. The headaches. The constant need to keep something in my mouth. That feeling that my day would be so much better if I spent it at home, under the covers with my little white dog beside me.
No thoughts of razor blades, but still...I'm just not feeling up to the day to day grind that is life. I doubt that even an insanely huge cup of Starbucks Toffee Nut Latte could kickstart this ass into Neutral.
Just rolling along. I'm beginning to think that's all life is. Bypassing all the things that I thought I wanted and needed. Putting those desires of my heart further and further into the future. Time does indeed keep on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future....
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Rainbow Bridge
I guess I should report that since I introduced everyone to my lovely group of gliders my little boy Neuro has crossed The Rainbow Bridge and ascended to glider heaven
We came home one day to find him with an injury to his leg. We rushed him to the emergency animal clinic. The procedure went well, but he had a reaction to pain medicine and anesthesia. We never could get his body temperature stabalized. He died the next morning.
I shall miss my little escape artist.
We came home one day to find him with an injury to his leg. We rushed him to the emergency animal clinic. The procedure went well, but he had a reaction to pain medicine and anesthesia. We never could get his body temperature stabalized. He died the next morning.
I shall miss my little escape artist.
Dolphin in Distress...or rather Freaky Dolphin Sex?!?
Ok, I was watching The Colbert Report last night when I nearly choked on my water. It seems that a couple of dolphins (well, actually 3!) caused a bit of a panic for some Florida emergency workers. Their amorous playtime set off major distress calls. The workers thought the female was injured - but it seems that - the strange noises were uh...something else. Here's a link to the story. Yay for freaky dolphin sex! You go, Flipperette!
Friday, March 31, 2006
How to Pour Ketchup...The Technical Explanation
All these years, I have been pouring ketchup the wrong way. Who knew? Now, thanks to the power unleashed by the Internet, I am enlightened as to the correct way to get ketchup out of the stubborn bottle. Enjoy!
Monday, March 27, 2006
Squid in the News
Devoted to all things squid, I present : The Squid Blog
Laughing Squid brings us squid art, squid crafts, squid humor, and real live squid news.
So I say to you, "get your squid on."
Laughing Squid brings us squid art, squid crafts, squid humor, and real live squid news.
So I say to you, "get your squid on."
Friday, March 24, 2006
Ooo...so foxy!
I have discovered a new breed of exotic pet I would love to own.
The Fennec Fox.
They are cute beyond words. The smallest members of the fox family are very dog-like. And unlike sugar gliders, they can be litter & leash trained. I nearly went into "cuteness overload spasms of glee" when I saw them. Here's a linkie for a pic.
The Fennec Fox.
They are cute beyond words. The smallest members of the fox family are very dog-like. And unlike sugar gliders, they can be litter & leash trained. I nearly went into "cuteness overload spasms of glee" when I saw them. Here's a linkie for a pic.
Monday, January 30, 2006
I'm not fat...it's just a virus!
Being a fat woman, I found the following article interesting and very disturbing.
Contagious obesity? Identifying the human adenoviruses that may make us fat
Contagious obesity? Identifying the human adenoviruses that may make us fat
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