I've had a couple of rough months lately. The never ending roller coaster of emotions that the adoption journey has brought just seems to get harder and harder as time marches on. I never would have imagined that it would be this hard.
I want to be a mom. Yeah, I wonder if I'll even be good at it, but that doesn't stop me from desperately desiring to try. I've never been a patient person. But, I think I am getting an extra helping in lessons of patience right now. And it sucks...fiercely sucks.
It seems that there are a lot of things all piling onto the heap. I feel like time is running out sometimes and I am left behind. I will be 35 in less than a week. I always thought that I'd have my family by now. If I were able to fill my life with fun, adventure and travel, maybe it would feel less empty. But I can't do that.
Right now, I feel caged. There's always too much to do, and no time or money to do it with. So, I'm stuck.
The other week we were driving to dinner right before the sun was setting. There was a lovely vertical rainbow in the sky ahead of us. Earlier that day, I had just heard about an opportunity for us to be presented as a potential family for an expectant mom here in South Carolina. We would have been 1 or 2 families presented.
It sounded so good. So promising. I was even hopeful. It was a *real* shot. The first real shot in a long while. Not another one of these emotional terrorist adoption scammers that seem to like us so well.
I wanted to say that we'd do anything to make it happen, but it wasn't possible.
The costs: $27,200. Reasonable when you look at so many other adoption situations, but still entirely too high for us to commit.
We had to say no...all the while, my heart was screaming yes.
A small ember of hope burning out before it had the chance to flame.
I wonder if there is actually an affordable situation out there for us. I know that we could go through the DSS foster system, but I am just so scared of what might happen. So much red tape. So many hoops to jump through. Just imagining it makes my head spin.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I just hope that next year, as I blog about my upcoming 36th birthday, I pray that I won't be having these same feelings. I will be positive. I will be hopeful. I will strive to find my rainbow after the rain. I will hold my child...and I pray, it's one day soon because if it "rains" anymore I fear that I might just drown.
