I am finding myself a bit contemplative and retrospective today. Not quite sure exactly what it is that I am feeling, but decided to spill my guts about it anyways.
Often I do feel like the invisible person, this digital ghost in the machine.
Am I just some faceless wonder that pops up from the ether and just as quickly crawls back into her lonely existence? Always failing to connect with the people she wants to connect with the most?
I am really at an impasse at the moment.
I am beginning to feel that I spent so much time cultivating what I thought were true friendships throughout my life that I now find myself cut off and removed from everything I thought I knew. I am in need of a life raft or something because I am sinking fast.
The concept of friendship seemed so much simpler when one is young. It's the confidant that you spend hours talking on the phone with, rehashing all the minor victories or atrocities of each day. All those moment by moment by-plays that make up our lives. Friends are those that you hang out with, laughing, carrying on with - there was no pretension, no complexes. And with relatively few exceptions, no neuroses.
I think that I fostered what I thought would be "friends to the end" relationships that I failed to look at the bigger picture. And now, I am paying the price for that.
It's hard for me at the moment to even say that and I can't hardly believe that it's what's in my mind. I know people are busy. I can relate. It's just that I want someone to make some time for me in their lives too.
I find myself reaching out to people (even people that I didn't know all that well in high school, some I know could care less to hear from me - the token, quiet fat chick they barely noticed in their classes). I guess I still carry some vain hope that something will stick. I am truly in need of having someone I can call 'friend' again.
I can't tell you how many "I'd really love to reconnect with you" emails I have sent that have garnered not a single response. Do you have any idea at how sad, hurt, and yes, angry, that makes me at times?
I don't know what the answer is.
It's not that I haven't been able to reconnect with anyone, because I have. Through Myspace and/or Facebook, I have been able to reconnect with family and old dear friends. The quality of those relationships are in no way diminished by what I am feeling now. I hope noone takes it that way.
I guess I just want more. I want to be able to open my email and see messages from real people, not just spambots trying to sell me pet nail trimmers, penile enhancements, drugs from Mexico or wonder shammys. I want someone to actual respond to the emails that I write them. I think that is very little to ask for. You know, it would really be nice for someone to email me first and ask how I am doing and what's going on in my life.
Mostly it just seems that everyone is just too busy to care. I am beginning to feel like it's the whole damn word that's turning into a big 'ol blob of apathy. Am I to harden my heart and not give a damn too?
I don't think I can do that, even though everyday that it continues like this my heart aches more and more and more.
If nothing else, I hope that this post prompts you, my reader, to reach out and touch someone. Send an email. Write a letter. Give a call. Just connect with someone. As a society, I don't think that we will survive if we don't learn that connections and relationships are all that's left when we come to the end of our journey.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
It's Been Awhile...I'm Still Breathing
It's been way too long...the summer has brought about many wide and varied changes for us.
I will try to fill in the gaps. Unfortunately, I find that I post alot of my "bloggy" thoughts to my MySpace page these days.
If you want to check it out for the complete story, here's my MySpace page.
Adoption Roller Coaster
We have had two failed matches and a couple of possibles that never went anywhere. The short version is that we are still looking. But here are the details of our most recent try...
Sean and I *almost* became parents the beginning of October, but it just wasn't meant to be this go around.
We received a call about 7:30 September 30th. I was actually napping when Sean got the call from Julie at the crisis pregnancy center in Anderson. We were asked if we would be willing to travel to Anderson for a noon appointment the next day. We went into frantic production mode - called work, packed for at least a week just in case, printed out new copies of our profile book since we had access to a color printer, gathered necessary computer equipment so we could work from there, called family to start the prayers going - and basically ran around like chickens with their heads cut off. :-)
We got up at 5:00 am (after no sleep, ya know..) gathered all of our various stuffs, Meko and jumped in the car. We had about 15 minutes to drop Meko off at mom's before our appointment time. We *barely* made it.
We finally got a chance to meet Julie in person and talk with her before Bobbie Rae arrived. Bobbie Rae's pastor's wife arrived for support a little bit after we got there, but Bobbie Rae was running a little bit late - but the important thing is that she did show up. That was halfway there. :-)
We talked for about 2 hours. It seemed to go really well. After a rocky start due to severe nerves and emotions on both parts, I think that we got along well. I felt that if we did enter into the adoptive relationship together that we could have been a successful team. She was a lovely young woman. I would have liked the opportunity to get to know her a bit better. She and Sean seem to have had similar upbringing. I think it was a good thing that she was able that sometimes you can break the cycle and rise above a bad situation. As much as I wanted the opportunity to parent her child, I mostly wanted to embrace her, encourage her, and help her to do the same for herself and her children.
I was concerned that she might be suffering from post partum depression. Her daughter was 7 weeks old and we had been told that she was having some issues bonding. She had contemplated an adoption plan during the pregnancy but was discouraged from following through. We were told that her mom was a controlling force in her life. Because she is currently living with and relying on her mom due to the recent loss of her job, I can understand where some of that fear and uncertainty comes from.
As Sean and I were leaving he said to me that he felt that she would either place with us, or not at all. She was on her way to an appointment with the lawyer for relinquishment paperwork when she decided to continue to parent this child.
All in all, I think that this was a good experience for us. It was like the worst job interview you can imagine....but at least we got in some practice and can avoid a few missteps for the next time we meet with an expectant mom.
Hopefully, the next time we will actually bring home a baby.
So we are still looking. Thanks for all the prayer, support and words of encouragement. If you hear of any potential situations in your own families, amongst your friends or coworkers, please keep us in mind. It's all about the networking because you never know where the child God has in mind will come from. :-)
Work
sux...that is all.
Here are more thoughts on that...
Our last day working from the offices was approximately August 25. We are now officially telecommuters. By then, most of the furniture and all the chairs had been sold. So, that left very few options for working from the building. The lease was up and the keys turned in right after Labor Day. Mind you, during this last crunch time of selling stuff, coordinating sales efforts, meeting people after hours and on weekends to pick up crap - Sean and I got stuck with it all while the former boss went on vacation (for the second time in less than a month!) - we were also trying to work hard for the new guys. Needless to say, a house divided cannot stand. I say a house divided and given to-do lists a mile long from too many people is likely to commit homicide. But that might just be my opinion. Who knows...
So...you might be asking yourselves what happened to all the crap that didn't sell at the office. Well, you're talking to the newly proud recipient of a house full of random shit with no place to put it. Imagine if you will computer parts, servers, computer guts, computer carcasses, file cabinets, and other various who-knows-whats-its lying all about a 1900sq ft home. A 1900 sqft home that was already filled to the brim before moving in more stuff that once was contained in 2000 sqft of office space, I might add. Ta-da...you now have a grumpy woman who feels smothered by all this stuff that's not hers, not her responsibility, and she feels as if has no say in the matter. You are also looking at a potential danger zone.
And a danger zone it has become.
Monday night after working an exceptionally long day (just one of the "perks" of working from home includes a work day never seems to end...they don't sell you THAT in the brochure!) I retreated downstairs to heat up some dinner.
Low and behold, as soon as I get the pot bubbling on the stove I hear this tremendous crash and noises that indicate that something terrible and sinister has happened upstairs. Now, I am accustomed to various toe stubbings, finger pinching, and the random something fell on my foot type of crashes. The expletives heard in those cases are pretty common, aren't typically that loud, and do not last beyond a reasonable 5-7 seconds. this was definitely more.
I ran...yes literally ran upstairs to see if my husband was still alive and had all his appendages. Because there is so much stuff in our office at the moment, we are treading upon tiny goat paths for walking and accessability. One of the chair mats had rolled up and tripped him up. Because there was too much stuff in the way and on the table he was unable to brace himself for the impact of a fall. The fall hit him square in the chest, right under his heart and ribs. By the time I got upstairs he was having trouble breathing, unable to really talk well, and said that he believed he had broken some ribs or worse. Within 5 minutes he started to go into shock - trembling, chills, anxious, still having problems breathing, and severe pain when doing so. It was scary.
We went to the ER. We spent about 5 hours total there. Took forever to get triaged in. I think it was more than an hour and a half before anyone even asked if he was bleeding or had any holes anywhere.
Ultimately, the xrays showed no fractures and his EKG was good. The gave him some pain meds about 4.5 hours after we'd been there. He was hurting so bad that he had to stand up that entire time, unable to sit down at all. We were both starved to death by the time we got home.
So, we've had to work everyday since then (although he had a dr. note for 72 hours) He hasn't been able to take his pain meds as he needs to because he is unable to work on them. It's a catch-22. Life has been so fun around here with a hurting, mad, grumpy achy, and pretty much disgusted husband on my hands. And of course, I'm stuck here because I have no escape. It truly would be best if I could have just kept him caged up and tranquilized him with some meds every few hours for a couple days just to get him to heal quicker.
Ah, well...what else can one do?
Personally, I am just exhausted. It has been a few long hard months and a few too many bad days all stung together like a strand of hellish Christmas lights. I feel like we've been nonstop since February. No vacation. No time to ourselves. No time just to decompress, catch up and start living again. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up without cracking.
I am trying to put on a good facade for the new bosses, but I am just so damned tired. Sean and I need to get away for a while. And although on one hand they say "sounds like you need to take a couple of days" in the very next breath it's all "you need to do this, and this needs to be done, and this, and this, and this". You're already behind before you ever start. I don't know what the solution is...or if I do, I know that it wouldn't be the best option considering my current goals I at present: continuing to eat regular meals and having a house to live in chief among those currently.
On the upshoot, I guess despite all this crud, it does keep my mind occupied from the other disappointments and frustrations that weigh heavy on my heart at times. I don't have to think about the little envelope of ultrasound pictures on the mantle that I still can't bring myself to throw away - or the lack of phone calls on any new adoption leads.
For all the things I don't have, I still appreciate the blessings that I do continue to enjoy...I just wish that I could learn to be a happier, more content person in the meantime.
I will try to fill in the gaps. Unfortunately, I find that I post alot of my "bloggy" thoughts to my MySpace page these days.
If you want to check it out for the complete story, here's my MySpace page.
Adoption Roller Coaster
We have had two failed matches and a couple of possibles that never went anywhere. The short version is that we are still looking. But here are the details of our most recent try...
Sean and I *almost* became parents the beginning of October, but it just wasn't meant to be this go around.
We received a call about 7:30 September 30th. I was actually napping when Sean got the call from Julie at the crisis pregnancy center in Anderson. We were asked if we would be willing to travel to Anderson for a noon appointment the next day. We went into frantic production mode - called work, packed for at least a week just in case, printed out new copies of our profile book since we had access to a color printer, gathered necessary computer equipment so we could work from there, called family to start the prayers going - and basically ran around like chickens with their heads cut off. :-)
We got up at 5:00 am (after no sleep, ya know..) gathered all of our various stuffs, Meko and jumped in the car. We had about 15 minutes to drop Meko off at mom's before our appointment time. We *barely* made it.
We finally got a chance to meet Julie in person and talk with her before Bobbie Rae arrived. Bobbie Rae's pastor's wife arrived for support a little bit after we got there, but Bobbie Rae was running a little bit late - but the important thing is that she did show up. That was halfway there. :-)
We talked for about 2 hours. It seemed to go really well. After a rocky start due to severe nerves and emotions on both parts, I think that we got along well. I felt that if we did enter into the adoptive relationship together that we could have been a successful team. She was a lovely young woman. I would have liked the opportunity to get to know her a bit better. She and Sean seem to have had similar upbringing. I think it was a good thing that she was able that sometimes you can break the cycle and rise above a bad situation. As much as I wanted the opportunity to parent her child, I mostly wanted to embrace her, encourage her, and help her to do the same for herself and her children.
I was concerned that she might be suffering from post partum depression. Her daughter was 7 weeks old and we had been told that she was having some issues bonding. She had contemplated an adoption plan during the pregnancy but was discouraged from following through. We were told that her mom was a controlling force in her life. Because she is currently living with and relying on her mom due to the recent loss of her job, I can understand where some of that fear and uncertainty comes from.
As Sean and I were leaving he said to me that he felt that she would either place with us, or not at all. She was on her way to an appointment with the lawyer for relinquishment paperwork when she decided to continue to parent this child.
All in all, I think that this was a good experience for us. It was like the worst job interview you can imagine....but at least we got in some practice and can avoid a few missteps for the next time we meet with an expectant mom.
Hopefully, the next time we will actually bring home a baby.
So we are still looking. Thanks for all the prayer, support and words of encouragement. If you hear of any potential situations in your own families, amongst your friends or coworkers, please keep us in mind. It's all about the networking because you never know where the child God has in mind will come from. :-)
Work
sux...that is all.
Here are more thoughts on that...
Our last day working from the offices was approximately August 25. We are now officially telecommuters. By then, most of the furniture and all the chairs had been sold. So, that left very few options for working from the building. The lease was up and the keys turned in right after Labor Day. Mind you, during this last crunch time of selling stuff, coordinating sales efforts, meeting people after hours and on weekends to pick up crap - Sean and I got stuck with it all while the former boss went on vacation (for the second time in less than a month!) - we were also trying to work hard for the new guys. Needless to say, a house divided cannot stand. I say a house divided and given to-do lists a mile long from too many people is likely to commit homicide. But that might just be my opinion. Who knows...
So...you might be asking yourselves what happened to all the crap that didn't sell at the office. Well, you're talking to the newly proud recipient of a house full of random shit with no place to put it. Imagine if you will computer parts, servers, computer guts, computer carcasses, file cabinets, and other various who-knows-whats-its lying all about a 1900sq ft home. A 1900 sqft home that was already filled to the brim before moving in more stuff that once was contained in 2000 sqft of office space, I might add. Ta-da...you now have a grumpy woman who feels smothered by all this stuff that's not hers, not her responsibility, and she feels as if has no say in the matter. You are also looking at a potential danger zone.
And a danger zone it has become.
Monday night after working an exceptionally long day (just one of the "perks" of working from home includes a work day never seems to end...they don't sell you THAT in the brochure!) I retreated downstairs to heat up some dinner.
Low and behold, as soon as I get the pot bubbling on the stove I hear this tremendous crash and noises that indicate that something terrible and sinister has happened upstairs. Now, I am accustomed to various toe stubbings, finger pinching, and the random something fell on my foot type of crashes. The expletives heard in those cases are pretty common, aren't typically that loud, and do not last beyond a reasonable 5-7 seconds. this was definitely more.
I ran...yes literally ran upstairs to see if my husband was still alive and had all his appendages. Because there is so much stuff in our office at the moment, we are treading upon tiny goat paths for walking and accessability. One of the chair mats had rolled up and tripped him up. Because there was too much stuff in the way and on the table he was unable to brace himself for the impact of a fall. The fall hit him square in the chest, right under his heart and ribs. By the time I got upstairs he was having trouble breathing, unable to really talk well, and said that he believed he had broken some ribs or worse. Within 5 minutes he started to go into shock - trembling, chills, anxious, still having problems breathing, and severe pain when doing so. It was scary.
We went to the ER. We spent about 5 hours total there. Took forever to get triaged in. I think it was more than an hour and a half before anyone even asked if he was bleeding or had any holes anywhere.
Ultimately, the xrays showed no fractures and his EKG was good. The gave him some pain meds about 4.5 hours after we'd been there. He was hurting so bad that he had to stand up that entire time, unable to sit down at all. We were both starved to death by the time we got home.
So, we've had to work everyday since then (although he had a dr. note for 72 hours) He hasn't been able to take his pain meds as he needs to because he is unable to work on them. It's a catch-22. Life has been so fun around here with a hurting, mad, grumpy achy, and pretty much disgusted husband on my hands. And of course, I'm stuck here because I have no escape. It truly would be best if I could have just kept him caged up and tranquilized him with some meds every few hours for a couple days just to get him to heal quicker.
Ah, well...what else can one do?
Personally, I am just exhausted. It has been a few long hard months and a few too many bad days all stung together like a strand of hellish Christmas lights. I feel like we've been nonstop since February. No vacation. No time to ourselves. No time just to decompress, catch up and start living again. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up without cracking.
I am trying to put on a good facade for the new bosses, but I am just so damned tired. Sean and I need to get away for a while. And although on one hand they say "sounds like you need to take a couple of days" in the very next breath it's all "you need to do this, and this needs to be done, and this, and this, and this". You're already behind before you ever start. I don't know what the solution is...or if I do, I know that it wouldn't be the best option considering my current goals I at present: continuing to eat regular meals and having a house to live in chief among those currently.
On the upshoot, I guess despite all this crud, it does keep my mind occupied from the other disappointments and frustrations that weigh heavy on my heart at times. I don't have to think about the little envelope of ultrasound pictures on the mantle that I still can't bring myself to throw away - or the lack of phone calls on any new adoption leads.
For all the things I don't have, I still appreciate the blessings that I do continue to enjoy...I just wish that I could learn to be a happier, more content person in the meantime.
Monday, May 12, 2008
It's Been Awhile...
Yep, it certainly has.
A lot has changed. Yet, so much has stayed the same.
1. I am still no closer to understanding the meaning of life than I ever was.
2. I am still not a mother - although, I guess you could say that I'm much closer to being so than ever before. Currently going through the home study for a domestic adoption. We're working with the Anderson Crisis Pregnancy Center. Presumably, we are matched with an expectant mom. If all goes well, we might be bringing home a little sweetling in July. I can't really dare to dream that it will happen, however. It seems like the minute I get my hopes up everything begins to crash down. I want to believe, and I do that *someday* it will happen. I just don't know if I can believe that it might actually happen so soon. Keep the prayers going, guys! We definitely need them.
3. I am still dissatisfied with large segments of my life. Career making up the largest segment of that. I think that I will still be here until I am old and gray. Despite attempting to escape, my options have once again run dry. I just want to become a stay at home mom already. I'm ready to try that career on for size.
4. I will never understand why I am invisible to some people, even when I try try to try to be a part of their lives. My blog posts are ignored. Some of my "friends" on MySpace don't even return my emails. I honestly don't ask for much. Just a email in return for those that I send. A simple phone call ever few months with someone on the other end actually engaged and listening to what I have to say (not tuning out the second I start telling what's going on in my life). Right now, I am probably in need of support more than ever. And I don't feel that I am getting it from anyplace that I look. It makes me both sad and angry because I like to think (even if that is in error) that I am there for everyone else.
5. I do still love my husband. Tomorrow will be 8 years of matrimonial bliss. Yay, us! We've been very stressed for the last couple of months. I genuinely believe that a vacation, a change of pace and scenery would do us good. We desperately need some time to reconnect. Right now, I think that we are both very frazzled with pressure, external pressures, and newly added pressures with a change in our job situations that we've not been the best of partners as of late. I just want us to get back on the same path and enjoy each other again.
6. I had to rehome my sugar gliders in April. The house is quieter. I no longer have to make glider-sanctioned trips to the grocery store for supplies, but I do miss the little fuzzbutts.
I don't think that things have changed a whole lot - but looking over this, I guess they have. So many things are still in the planning and preparation stage that I don't have anything concrete to report. Maybe with my next post I'll be able to post pics of a new daughter. Fingers crossed!
A lot has changed. Yet, so much has stayed the same.
1. I am still no closer to understanding the meaning of life than I ever was.
2. I am still not a mother - although, I guess you could say that I'm much closer to being so than ever before. Currently going through the home study for a domestic adoption. We're working with the Anderson Crisis Pregnancy Center. Presumably, we are matched with an expectant mom. If all goes well, we might be bringing home a little sweetling in July. I can't really dare to dream that it will happen, however. It seems like the minute I get my hopes up everything begins to crash down. I want to believe, and I do that *someday* it will happen. I just don't know if I can believe that it might actually happen so soon. Keep the prayers going, guys! We definitely need them.
3. I am still dissatisfied with large segments of my life. Career making up the largest segment of that. I think that I will still be here until I am old and gray. Despite attempting to escape, my options have once again run dry. I just want to become a stay at home mom already. I'm ready to try that career on for size.
4. I will never understand why I am invisible to some people, even when I try try to try to be a part of their lives. My blog posts are ignored. Some of my "friends" on MySpace don't even return my emails. I honestly don't ask for much. Just a email in return for those that I send. A simple phone call ever few months with someone on the other end actually engaged and listening to what I have to say (not tuning out the second I start telling what's going on in my life). Right now, I am probably in need of support more than ever. And I don't feel that I am getting it from anyplace that I look. It makes me both sad and angry because I like to think (even if that is in error) that I am there for everyone else.
5. I do still love my husband. Tomorrow will be 8 years of matrimonial bliss. Yay, us! We've been very stressed for the last couple of months. I genuinely believe that a vacation, a change of pace and scenery would do us good. We desperately need some time to reconnect. Right now, I think that we are both very frazzled with pressure, external pressures, and newly added pressures with a change in our job situations that we've not been the best of partners as of late. I just want us to get back on the same path and enjoy each other again.
6. I had to rehome my sugar gliders in April. The house is quieter. I no longer have to make glider-sanctioned trips to the grocery store for supplies, but I do miss the little fuzzbutts.
I don't think that things have changed a whole lot - but looking over this, I guess they have. So many things are still in the planning and preparation stage that I don't have anything concrete to report. Maybe with my next post I'll be able to post pics of a new daughter. Fingers crossed!
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