Bring to completion or reality; achieve or realize (something desired, promised, or predicted)
Emory - born 9/28 at 8lbs. 2 oz, 20 inches long - beautiful and perfect in every way.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Promises Fulfilled...
Bring to completion or reality; achieve or realize (something desired, promised, or predicted)
Emory - born 9/28 at 8lbs. 2 oz, 20 inches long - beautiful and perfect in every way.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Thinking of you...
You are always in my thoughts and prayers, sweet child. I think of you so often that sometimes there isn't room for anything else. I wonder when you're coming home to us. I pray that you are safe in your mommy's tummy. I pray that she finds faith in the decisions she has made for you both. More often than not, I just hope and pray that she finds us someday soon. For we are so ready to meet you little one. Keeping my heart open and ready for when you arrive.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Independence Day
Today is the 4th of July. I think that it's interesting that the day America celebrates the breaking of their shackles, is the day I celebrate the putting on of mine.
16 years ago today, Sean and I finally decided that our friendship was something more. I tell ya, it was a day for fireworks and all kinds of epiphanies for sure! I look back to that day so long ago and see the road that we have traveled together. There have been potholes and detours aplenty, but through out it all we have remained steadfast in our commitment to one another.
Looking forward I know that there is something missing. In my mind, I can see a small child holding onto to our fingers as we continue along our life's path. I worry every day about that dream coming true.
16 years ago today, Sean and I finally decided that our friendship was something more. I tell ya, it was a day for fireworks and all kinds of epiphanies for sure! I look back to that day so long ago and see the road that we have traveled together. There have been potholes and detours aplenty, but through out it all we have remained steadfast in our commitment to one another.
Looking forward I know that there is something missing. In my mind, I can see a small child holding onto to our fingers as we continue along our life's path. I worry every day about that dream coming true.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Scram Scammers!
I tell ya, I am sick to death with adoption scammers. They sit in wait, like hungry predators, ready to pounce upon unsuspecting potential adoptive parents. They think we are so desperate and overwrought that we will fall for anything and just begin showering them with money for all their pretty lies. I just can't do it anymore.
Some days I am sick to my stomach with grief that I'm not a mom yet. I let these emotions get the better of me at times. I like to think the best of people...but that continually keeps biting me in the ass. I'm just tired of it.
There are some of these emotional terrorists that pop up over and over again. The same sick woman, using other people's names and faces, pictures of another woman's pregnant belly, pictures of another person's child!! Sometimes she only bothers barely changing the story to seem brand new. It's only once you're in a bit too deep that the sneaking suspicions come creeping and crawling up to stick in your throat.
How many times now...? 2, 3, 4 more? At this point, too many to count.
Ah yes, this petty scammer loves me. These people have emotional problems and I seriously wish that more could be done to stop them.
Some days I am sick to my stomach with grief that I'm not a mom yet. I let these emotions get the better of me at times. I like to think the best of people...but that continually keeps biting me in the ass. I'm just tired of it.
There are some of these emotional terrorists that pop up over and over again. The same sick woman, using other people's names and faces, pictures of another woman's pregnant belly, pictures of another person's child!! Sometimes she only bothers barely changing the story to seem brand new. It's only once you're in a bit too deep that the sneaking suspicions come creeping and crawling up to stick in your throat.
How many times now...? 2, 3, 4 more? At this point, too many to count.
Ah yes, this petty scammer loves me. These people have emotional problems and I seriously wish that more could be done to stop them.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wishing for a Happily Ever After of My Own
So one of my internet friends is busy in AZ awaiting the birth of her son today. While I am overjoyed at the possibility that their adoption journey may finally have a happy ending, I can't help but feel sad that our own adoption pursuits thus far have proved unfruitful.
It's like this every time. Watching from the sidelines, some strange spectator to the world around me - ever watching everyone else craft their "happily ever afters".
*sigh*
I am trying to remain positive and hopeful. Praying that one day someone will look at us from the sidelines, with a weird cacophony of happiness and envy, as we greet our son or daughter. I keep on saying to myself one day that will be us. One day, we too will be successful.
I just wish that it were today.
Still hopeful that 2010 is our year.
It's like this every time. Watching from the sidelines, some strange spectator to the world around me - ever watching everyone else craft their "happily ever afters".
*sigh*
I am trying to remain positive and hopeful. Praying that one day someone will look at us from the sidelines, with a weird cacophony of happiness and envy, as we greet our son or daughter. I keep on saying to myself one day that will be us. One day, we too will be successful.
I just wish that it were today.
Still hopeful that 2010 is our year.
Monday, June 14, 2010
A Miscarriage of the Heart
The past month has been rife with ups and downs. Smooshed between happy things such as a dear friend's wedding and spending Memorial Day with family firmly sit another two failed adoption opportunities. Only this time it was so much harder. I am still grieving nearly a month later.
During the month of May, we saw over 10 states and traveled over 3200 miles in pursuit of adopting.
Traveling down to Tampa, Florida we met baby boy B and his family. He was spending his first month of life in NICU due to undisclosed drug addiction. Despite it all, we fell instantly in love with this little man. We were determined that we could make a wonderful life for him. So innocent and helpless our hearts raced at the thought that he could be ours. In the end, his parents asked us for a payment of $50-75K for the opportunity. As you well know, baby-selling is not legal in this, or other, countries. We simply could not compromise our ethics and morals. With our hearts breaking, we said goodbye and walked away - on Mother's Day.
Fast forward less than two weeks...
We received a late night call from a mom in Michigan that we had talked to earlier in April. We were not chosen at that time, as she decided to move forward with another family. She was induced at the hospital and believed that the family would be there to take their daughter home. Well, her chosen family decided to move forward with another situation due to some communication issues.
After talking, she told us that she "wanted us to come and get our baby." We were finally chosen. We packed up our lives in preparation for staying in MI for 2-3 weeks and drove the 15 hours. We scrambled to locate adoption professionals that could help us as we waited for contact with the mom. We had no additional phone contact, and only late night emails. We knew that she was busy caring for a newborn so we didn't sweat it too much. We just tried to keep making lists and plans.
We received an email asking for our lawyer's contact information so we "could get the ball rolling." We thought that this was finally what we'd been waiting for.
The next morning, our lawyer called. She had contacted him, only to say that she'd had a change of heart. No additional information. Nothing. We were left reeling, blank and utterly empty.
We had already received photos of this beautiful little girl. We'd told our friends and family. Mom and April were prepared to set up a nursery with a moment's notice. April had even gone shopping for her "niece". The hardest thing was disappointing everyone else.
To make matters worse, I found out accidentally a few days later that she didn't have a change of heart about her adoption plan. She had a change of heart about us. She placed her daughter with another family. I cannot tell you how hurt I am. Although I know it's not a competition I do not see how we could ever stack up to world travelers and a husband that looks like a male model. It's an even worse punch to the gut.
So here we are again...no closer than we were, and worse for wear.
I don't know what's worse. Losing a child growing in your womb or the loss of one growing in your heart. With a broken heart and a bruised ego, I pick myself up, and get back on the horse. Still hoping and praying that 2010 will be our year that our 7+ year journey to build our family finally happens.
Yes, there are lessons to be learned in all of life's trials.
So, I guess I can always find some comfort in that.
During the month of May, we saw over 10 states and traveled over 3200 miles in pursuit of adopting.
Traveling down to Tampa, Florida we met baby boy B and his family. He was spending his first month of life in NICU due to undisclosed drug addiction. Despite it all, we fell instantly in love with this little man. We were determined that we could make a wonderful life for him. So innocent and helpless our hearts raced at the thought that he could be ours. In the end, his parents asked us for a payment of $50-75K for the opportunity. As you well know, baby-selling is not legal in this, or other, countries. We simply could not compromise our ethics and morals. With our hearts breaking, we said goodbye and walked away - on Mother's Day.
Fast forward less than two weeks...
We received a late night call from a mom in Michigan that we had talked to earlier in April. We were not chosen at that time, as she decided to move forward with another family. She was induced at the hospital and believed that the family would be there to take their daughter home. Well, her chosen family decided to move forward with another situation due to some communication issues.
After talking, she told us that she "wanted us to come and get our baby." We were finally chosen. We packed up our lives in preparation for staying in MI for 2-3 weeks and drove the 15 hours. We scrambled to locate adoption professionals that could help us as we waited for contact with the mom. We had no additional phone contact, and only late night emails. We knew that she was busy caring for a newborn so we didn't sweat it too much. We just tried to keep making lists and plans.
We received an email asking for our lawyer's contact information so we "could get the ball rolling." We thought that this was finally what we'd been waiting for.
The next morning, our lawyer called. She had contacted him, only to say that she'd had a change of heart. No additional information. Nothing. We were left reeling, blank and utterly empty.
We had already received photos of this beautiful little girl. We'd told our friends and family. Mom and April were prepared to set up a nursery with a moment's notice. April had even gone shopping for her "niece". The hardest thing was disappointing everyone else.
To make matters worse, I found out accidentally a few days later that she didn't have a change of heart about her adoption plan. She had a change of heart about us. She placed her daughter with another family. I cannot tell you how hurt I am. Although I know it's not a competition I do not see how we could ever stack up to world travelers and a husband that looks like a male model. It's an even worse punch to the gut.
So here we are again...no closer than we were, and worse for wear.
I don't know what's worse. Losing a child growing in your womb or the loss of one growing in your heart. With a broken heart and a bruised ego, I pick myself up, and get back on the horse. Still hoping and praying that 2010 will be our year that our 7+ year journey to build our family finally happens.
Yes, there are lessons to be learned in all of life's trials.
So, I guess I can always find some comfort in that.
Friday, April 09, 2010
Hoping for Rainbows after the Rain
I've had a couple of rough months lately. The never ending roller coaster of emotions that the adoption journey has brought just seems to get harder and harder as time marches on. I never would have imagined that it would be this hard.
I want to be a mom. Yeah, I wonder if I'll even be good at it, but that doesn't stop me from desperately desiring to try. I've never been a patient person. But, I think I am getting an extra helping in lessons of patience right now. And it sucks...fiercely sucks.
It seems that there are a lot of things all piling onto the heap. I feel like time is running out sometimes and I am left behind. I will be 35 in less than a week. I always thought that I'd have my family by now. If I were able to fill my life with fun, adventure and travel, maybe it would feel less empty. But I can't do that.
Right now, I feel caged. There's always too much to do, and no time or money to do it with. So, I'm stuck.
The other week we were driving to dinner right before the sun was setting. There was a lovely vertical rainbow in the sky ahead of us. Earlier that day, I had just heard about an opportunity for us to be presented as a potential family for an expectant mom here in South Carolina. We would have been 1 or 2 families presented.
It sounded so good. So promising. I was even hopeful. It was a *real* shot. The first real shot in a long while. Not another one of these emotional terrorist adoption scammers that seem to like us so well.
I wanted to say that we'd do anything to make it happen, but it wasn't possible.
The costs: $27,200. Reasonable when you look at so many other adoption situations, but still entirely too high for us to commit.
We had to say no...all the while, my heart was screaming yes.
A small ember of hope burning out before it had the chance to flame.
I wonder if there is actually an affordable situation out there for us. I know that we could go through the DSS foster system, but I am just so scared of what might happen. So much red tape. So many hoops to jump through. Just imagining it makes my head spin.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I just hope that next year, as I blog about my upcoming 36th birthday, I pray that I won't be having these same feelings. I will be positive. I will be hopeful. I will strive to find my rainbow after the rain. I will hold my child...and I pray, it's one day soon because if it "rains" anymore I fear that I might just drown.
I want to be a mom. Yeah, I wonder if I'll even be good at it, but that doesn't stop me from desperately desiring to try. I've never been a patient person. But, I think I am getting an extra helping in lessons of patience right now. And it sucks...fiercely sucks.
It seems that there are a lot of things all piling onto the heap. I feel like time is running out sometimes and I am left behind. I will be 35 in less than a week. I always thought that I'd have my family by now. If I were able to fill my life with fun, adventure and travel, maybe it would feel less empty. But I can't do that.
Right now, I feel caged. There's always too much to do, and no time or money to do it with. So, I'm stuck.
The other week we were driving to dinner right before the sun was setting. There was a lovely vertical rainbow in the sky ahead of us. Earlier that day, I had just heard about an opportunity for us to be presented as a potential family for an expectant mom here in South Carolina. We would have been 1 or 2 families presented.
It sounded so good. So promising. I was even hopeful. It was a *real* shot. The first real shot in a long while. Not another one of these emotional terrorist adoption scammers that seem to like us so well.
I wanted to say that we'd do anything to make it happen, but it wasn't possible.
The costs: $27,200. Reasonable when you look at so many other adoption situations, but still entirely too high for us to commit.
We had to say no...all the while, my heart was screaming yes.
A small ember of hope burning out before it had the chance to flame.
I wonder if there is actually an affordable situation out there for us. I know that we could go through the DSS foster system, but I am just so scared of what might happen. So much red tape. So many hoops to jump through. Just imagining it makes my head spin.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I just hope that next year, as I blog about my upcoming 36th birthday, I pray that I won't be having these same feelings. I will be positive. I will be hopeful. I will strive to find my rainbow after the rain. I will hold my child...and I pray, it's one day soon because if it "rains" anymore I fear that I might just drown.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Ever Have One of Those Days?
Today has been one of those days.
- A day where nothing seems to go right.
- A day when you feel terrible - physically, emotionally - and it gets compounded by all the little irritations that find their way into the day.
- A day where the only thing you want to do is hide under the covers, get a little more sleep, and try again tomorrow (* but it's impossible due to a sore throat and sinus issues)
Maybe it's just the beginnings of the hormonal mess that is PMS.
Yet another nagging reminder of all that's broken and wrong.
I guess trying again tomorrow doesn't sound like that bad of an idea.
- A day where nothing seems to go right.
- A day when you feel terrible - physically, emotionally - and it gets compounded by all the little irritations that find their way into the day.
- A day where the only thing you want to do is hide under the covers, get a little more sleep, and try again tomorrow (* but it's impossible due to a sore throat and sinus issues)
Maybe it's just the beginnings of the hormonal mess that is PMS.
Yet another nagging reminder of all that's broken and wrong.
I guess trying again tomorrow doesn't sound like that bad of an idea.
Monday, March 22, 2010
It's About That Time Again...
It seems that I have this really bad habit of allowing long periods of time to pass without posting to this blog. I can't say that I have any valid reason for this. Except maybe that life is what happens while you're busying making other plans.
I spent some time reading over my past posts here this morning. It was interesting to see how my thoughts and feelings have waxed and waned since that first post in 2003.
All in all, the past year has been much like all the others.
We are still trying to adopt our first child. Leads have been few and far between since we officially started the journey to adopt in 2008. Failed matches and emotional scams during that time have been both frustrating and heartbreaking. Those feelings of "maybe this could happen" so often turn into "it's never gonna". It's been an emotional roller coaster that has left my head spinning and my heart aching.
Yet, I try to remain positive and keep the faith. Because we never know where or how our children will come to us, I continue to spread our adoption wishes to everyone I meet and come in contact with.
We did finally update our adoption website and refreshed our adoption profile book. Feel free to check them out. If you know of anyone considering making an adoption plan for their child, please feel free to pass our information along. We'd be so grateful.
I am hoping to find the time to post more often.
I have found that along the path of infertility and adoption there is a great need to get one's emotions out in a healthy manner. I don't know if anyone wants to tread this path with me, but I welcome you as a companion through my blog. Adoption, becoming a mom, and all the trials and tribulations of that process are sure to take center stage. I'm still opinionated, feisty, and at times angry & potty mouthed. So, I hope you forgive me in advance for that because I ain't about to apologize! :-)
I spent some time reading over my past posts here this morning. It was interesting to see how my thoughts and feelings have waxed and waned since that first post in 2003.
All in all, the past year has been much like all the others.
We are still trying to adopt our first child. Leads have been few and far between since we officially started the journey to adopt in 2008. Failed matches and emotional scams during that time have been both frustrating and heartbreaking. Those feelings of "maybe this could happen" so often turn into "it's never gonna". It's been an emotional roller coaster that has left my head spinning and my heart aching.
Yet, I try to remain positive and keep the faith. Because we never know where or how our children will come to us, I continue to spread our adoption wishes to everyone I meet and come in contact with.
We did finally update our adoption website and refreshed our adoption profile book. Feel free to check them out. If you know of anyone considering making an adoption plan for their child, please feel free to pass our information along. We'd be so grateful.
I am hoping to find the time to post more often.
I have found that along the path of infertility and adoption there is a great need to get one's emotions out in a healthy manner. I don't know if anyone wants to tread this path with me, but I welcome you as a companion through my blog. Adoption, becoming a mom, and all the trials and tribulations of that process are sure to take center stage. I'm still opinionated, feisty, and at times angry & potty mouthed. So, I hope you forgive me in advance for that because I ain't about to apologize! :-)
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